Dramatic post warning. 

I wasn’t feeling particularly resolution friendly this past week. In fact, at the New Year’s party I was at, I deflected any conversations on the subject by saying I resolved to have a worse attitude this year than any year before. 

Then I went home and cried myself to sleep. 

I’ve been a mess this semester, and it really hasn’t occurred to me until today. I was sitting at Aldi’s while my flat feet throbbed and I waited for my mom to check out groceries. I was reading back-logged texts that I should have deleted months ago, and just generally thinking about my life. I’m at a bit of a dead end right now, and I had thought that it was in every aspect of my life. Turns out it was mostly emotionally. 

In a striking coincidence, one of those things that a seventh grader would deem ironic but really isn’t, the last time I felt this way was four years ago exactly, in my sophomore year in high school. It was the darkest time of my life. I honestly remember very little of it.

What I do remember is feeling achingly empty. It’s how I’ve been feeling without realizing it. 

It’s the feeling of having lost, in some small way, the best friend I’ve ever had. 

It’s the feeling of pushing away anyone who reminds me of him. (This one goes out to you, Suraj, and I’m sorry for that.)

It’s the feeling of a bitter inferiority complex to a good friend, and letting that poison the rest of my relationships. 

It’s the feeling, whether or not it’s true, that romantic love is the most important thing, and that it will continue to elude me for the rest of my life. 

It’s the feeling that all of my friends are finding relationships and being bumped down on the priority list. 

It’s the feeling that I can’t let go of feelings. 

This time, though, I’m pissed too. I’m pissed at myself, because I thought I’d moved past thinking these things were the defining characteristics of me, and not that I’m a damn good improviser, or admirably passionate about teaching, or a loyal and caring friend. 

I thought I’d grow stronger. 

So I’m ready to make a New Year’s Resolution; I’m going to move past these feelings. I’m going to admit to myself that I grew stronger, but that I have further to go before I can call myself strong. I’m going to refuse to let Spring 2012 be a sophomore year too. 

Also I wanna go to the gym more.